The Art of BS.

A friend recently joked about their career with me, and at one point said something like "I'm just worried people will find out I'm faking this whole thing."  I found this odd, because they've been nothing but successful.  I also found it strikingly familiar.

Despite me outward persona, I battled insecurity for a long time.  Usually, it was about this very thing.  I always felt like I never knew what I was talking about, that I was just good at BSing my way through things, and that I was the biggest Holden Caulfield-style phony there was.  My career in youth ministry didn't help because despite how well I may have actually done, working for jerkfaces kept my ego completely underfoot.  I always felt like I was a fraud.  It really came to a head when I was finishing my undergrad at St. Thomas.

I took a lot of philosophy classes because they really interested me, but that required me to write a lot.  Unlike math, where you can stumble into a correct answer accidentally, you really have to demonstrate that you know your stuff in philosophy.  Every paper, every test, I felt like a total fraud, and that I didn't know what I was doing.  Even though I made all As, I convinced myself that I had fooled my professors. 

Finally, during my last semester, I was taking an independent study on CS Lewis.  I had read eight of his books, and was required to produce a 20 page paper on whatever topic I wanted.  I was crippled.  I couldn't even begin because I knew I was a fake.  As I started looking back through old papers and essay tests to "scavenge" a good idea, I realized that I had made As on everything.  I had empirical evidence that I could write philosophically, and I could do it well.  The only thing stopping me was the fact that I had not realized that what I thought was BS, was actually me being great at what I did.  Here I was thinking that I was just pretending to write these academic papers, when all along I was actually doing it.  So, I wrote an awesome  paper on CS Lewis, and got another A.  I graduated Cum Laude.

Since then, I've worked on reminding myself of the many things I have accomplished to keep the insecurity at bay.  It's a work in progress without a doubt, but I can see my way through the fog with more regularity.  Unfortunately, the flip side of this is that I can occasionally develop an impenetrable shield of cockiness and unwarranted over-confidence, but that's a story for another time.

In other news, a very Merry Christmas to all (three or four) of you.  Please know that you are well loved, deep in the heart of Texas (clap x4).

Leavin' on a Jet Plane.

The next few weeks (maybe even months) will be filled with more travel than usual.  I'm headed out to our headquarters in California for one last meeting in my old role, and will likely be back out there for training in my new one come January.  Couple that with travel for Christmas, and you've got me up in the air.  If I had Photoshop, here is where I'd insert a picture of me seemingly flying through the air.  Instead, I'll just allow everyone to imagine that for a few seconds.

Okay, you can open your eyes now.  I'm still safely on terra firma.  For a few more hours, anyway.

We (read: KB) have done a lot of our Christmas shopping, and are nearing the last few, hard-to-buy-for folks.  I have never understood what exact quality makes someone hard to shop for, but it has always seemed like one of those "know it when you see it" kind of things.  I was told that I'm hard to shop for, and I've allowed that worm to work its way into my brain.  I think it may have something to do with me being rather practical, and gifts being inherently extravagant, no matter the actual size or cost.  It's the distillation of a few things, all wrapped up with a bow.  It's how much someone loves you, what they think of you, what they think you like, and what they think you need.  So pretty much a gift can be seen as the sum total of a person's thoughts on you, and wow...that's a lot.  When someone gives me something, I'm always appreciative, but I'm so humbled that I am not effusive.  That may sound like a lot of BS (I like to call it philosophy), but I think it's how I really feel.  When confronted with such an emotional thing, my practical side tends to take over, and I get all stoic and quiet.  Maybe I need to work on being more ebullient when receiving a gift.  I mean, smiling until it hurts isn't so bad and a few fist pumps in the air might do me good.

So watch out, Christmas, I'm going to get all kind of happy this year.  Brace yourselves!

Jay Oh Bee.

I was informed by my Cambridge readers that it had been three weeks since my last post, and that this was not acceptable.  To them, and to the other, let's say, three of you, I apologize.  The slide into Advent has become a whirlwind, and I vow to be more diligent in keeping my reader(s) up to date on the inner workings of my inscrutable mind.
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When KB and I first began the discernment process, we were entirely unsure what the job situation would be like.  If we went to Virginia, maybe I'd get a government job.  I'm sure the BLS is always looking for nerds analysts.  If we went to Sewanee, I could...buy a seersucker suit and become a gentleman of leisure?  And if the choice was Austin, well...that was more difficult.  I have a good job at Chevron, and the commute is a little on the long side, and where would we live, and blah, blah, whine, blah...

Long story short, that decision got made for us, and we live in Austin.  Boomtown: population, us.  I continue my work here in Houston and get to live in guests rooms thanks to the most unbelievably wonderful friends a guy could ask for.

I recently got a new assignment, so I get the joy of learning something new.  I'm very excited, because I really do like to learn, and the acquisition of skills is something I have not gotten to focus on much in the last few months.  I'll be working in the product development group, working with customers to meet their product needs.  I'm a decent talker, so the sales aspect should be easy to pick up; the chemistry perhaps less so.
Since I know that LMGK and PCEK read this, I feel like this is a good chance to impart godfatherly advice to all my darlings, and it is this: learning is always fun.  Never stop.  Find something that you like, and learn as much about it as you can.  (I'll save the rest for another blog post, mainly so I am assured of something to write next time).

I am really looking forward to new opportunities, some travel, learning new things, and growing more in my professional career.  It means a little more time at the office for the near term, but I can handle that.  Most importantly, it enables me the resources and leisure to spend time with the ones I love; that to me is the most important aspect of any job.

This post is a little scatter-shot, but I'm rusty...cut me some slack.